Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside