My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
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His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
#damn
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.