Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Banana is the quietest snack
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Rt to bother an English speaker
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.