A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
That’s not how days work.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’