i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.