if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The funk soul brother
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car