My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
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If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.