Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work