just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Hotels are back
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF