My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.