Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
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Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.