Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
You Might Also Like
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
shit just got real
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!