@briangaar

A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C’mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around

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@GrantTanaka

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

@mostlysharks

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

@donni

“I have no advice. I can’t talk! I am a building.” -Prison advice

@LackOfShame

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

@msbtx

Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct

@Social_Mime

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

@jollyrobber

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

@noneofyours99

* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep

* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it

* wakes up

* forgot key word