cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
You Might Also Like
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.