“LeBron has cramps”… I get those every month you baby.
A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C’mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around
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Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“I have no advice. I can’t talk! I am a building.” -Prison advice
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you
Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word