She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
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MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip