@CanadianBeave13

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

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@DrakeGatsby

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

@KentWGraham

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

@drankturpentine

ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better

@TheAndrewNadeau

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

@jokesforsmokes

“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.

@ClichedOut

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

@winosaurusmom

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

@david8hughes

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope