[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope