A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
You Might Also Like
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.