A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
How do dragons blow out candles?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”