@GeorgiaSweet20

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

You Might Also Like

@LackOfShame

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

@toni_goldsetin

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

@HenpeckedHal

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@freedom2726

OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?

No, you shut up.

@alldrolledup

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

@daemonic3

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@NoBadHairDays2

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.