A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.


My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”


Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.


My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.


Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*


OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?

No, you shut up.


when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth


[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.