A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I think this should do it.