A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Confused owl: What?!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.