A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing