A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.

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‘Pennywise pound foolish’ is a very derogatory way of describing a clown’s sexual partner.


Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.


My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.


As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order


if i ever got a tattoo it would be something meaningful in Chinese but deliberately misspelled to say, like, may all your trees be cantaloupes, so smug smart people would sneer at me but i’d privately be judging THEM for being pompous jerks guess how many friends i have


I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.


Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us


Having a teenage driver is great. My favorite rule of his so far is JESUS STOP BURPING IN THE CAR MOM!