I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon