[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
It’s the weekend y’all
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f