@ThatsSoCorri

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

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@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@Tups13

The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”

@CrockettForReal

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

@DillDoes

*rubs lamp*

Genie: “you get three wishes”

Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”

Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”

@PaperFury

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

@jellybnbonanza

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

@LeviathanPride

Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here