a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*