My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
You Might Also Like
The stoners surround me very, very slowly. Three of them are eating cereal.
“Look guys,” I explain. “When I said I had a pot belly…”
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
“Come reckon with me bro.”
Genie: “you get three wishes”
Me: “I wish I wasn’t so alone”
Genie: “k wow I’m like right here”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
THIS KID’S GOT MY VOTE
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here