@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

@Book_Krazy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

@Izianikapani

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

@iamdevinwagner

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

@CulturedRuffian

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

@SladeWentworth

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out

@writerPT

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.