@not_delicate

A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.

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@murrman5

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

@orny_xo

Nothing says authentic Chinese food like a neon “We Delivery” sign.

@TylerLinkin

Had a date with a lady I met on Christian Mingle. It was going fine until I told her I was Jewish & her half of the bill was $40 dollars.

@_Water_Baby

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

@dadmann_walking

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

@PoodleSnarf

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

@MoneypennyNaked

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

@Jerrypleasure

date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake

@michaelianblack

Our family’s annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I’m stringing the lights wrong.

@deardilettante

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.