Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
A 3 year old at my son’s preschool asked me who’s grandma I am, so yes I’m getting botox Monday.
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Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
How to propose marriage:
1. Drive to bridge
2. Jump off