A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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Never ghost your hitman.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah