A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.