cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
You Might Also Like
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO