A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
You Might Also Like
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
that’s really how it is
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.