A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.