A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Who says great literature is dead?
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer