A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.


Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.


In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.


I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer


Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.


[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing


Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats


Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”