A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.


[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy


“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”


“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows


*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!


My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?


When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.