@lisaOoOo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

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@Jarhead44

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

@flashember

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

@heroinsdemise

“Removing my make up”

Or how I like to call it:

“Reset face to factory settings”

@SortaBad

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

@Darlainky

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

@envydatropic

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

@UncleDuke1969

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.