You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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Contrary to what my voicemail will lead you to believe, I am in fact not sorry for missing your call
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I would like a warm hound please
A flaming puppy
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer