A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
me when I see my crush
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.