@crunchenhancer

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

You Might Also Like

@batkaren

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

@abuya_henry

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

@PoodleSnarf

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

@SCbchbum

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

@rockymomax

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

@Swishergirl24

My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

@parilani

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

@ArchiePeeler

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.