A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
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WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
What’s this sorcery? 😂
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.