A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
The first matador
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”