Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
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Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean