An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
You Might Also Like
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.