A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Saturday
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?