A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.