[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall