A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!