A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
You Might Also Like
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.