I’m not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she’s been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice