A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
True.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*