@simoncholland

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

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@lm_GrumpyCat

I’m not saying I hate you, I’m just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

@cray_at_home_ma

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

@Kesse_GH

A Girl on Twitter, finally gave birth,Now she’s been tweeting her baby pics every 20min & Makes me feel I am raising her child with my Data

@EndhooS

“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead

@piques15

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

@alshipley

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice