A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.