@AntiJokeTyrone

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

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@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.

@FoxCGrandpa

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

@Adam_Kingsnorth

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

@CaelaCarter

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

@sixthformpoet

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

@kdimerc

A tip for those of us who work at screens all day:

1. Unclench your jaw
2. Twist your torso from side to side
3. Arch backwards til you’re upside down with your hands and feet on the floor
4. Laugh
5. Spider crawl across the room
6. Devour someone whole
7. Haunt the witnesses

@suntzufuntzu

YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.

@Mikecanrant

I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off.

Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.

@iwearaonesie

*opens cupboard*
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*