A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

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Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …


When your homie hyped you up to talk to a girl and you look back one last time before risking it all.


SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby


[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible


doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you


The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.


This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.


me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running


Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?