A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE