A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.