You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
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Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”