A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”


If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.


I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about


Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones


Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.


Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story


Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.


[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution


I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.


Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.