@KattsDogma

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

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@BoomBoomBetty

[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]

“Rest in peace.”

My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.

@MarfSalvador

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

@climaxximus

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

@LoveNLunchmeat

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

@iFluff8

Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.

@AndyRichter

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

@TastyTuneTweets

Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance

@hello_saylor

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

@hipchkk

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.