A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind