[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Idea: ATM that sends you encouraging messages like “You Can Do it” or “Ramen Noodles Aren’t So Bad” when you check your sad Account Balance
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.