@KattsDogma

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.

You Might Also Like

@becabird

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

@LindseyEllison2

If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@House_Feminist

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

@Heaterhotusus

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

@JosesLovesYou

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

@bonehugsnirony

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

@SlipperySecret

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

@twinkdyke

Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.