If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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If you like to speak in different languages while high off marijuana, you’re probably Rosetta Stoned.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
mom: no politics tonight
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Frog Fact: frogs have existed since time immemorial and therefore predate original sin, meaning they have no need to celebrate Easter as Christ’s death means nothing to them.