A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”