A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”