me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
I have two kinds of followers
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.